Matrescence 101

MATRESCENCE. What is this tongue twisting concept?

Well, dear and lovely mama reading, MATRESCENCE is all of your lived experience since becoming a mama.

I know that we can pinpoint and we generally do pinpoint becoming a mama to that first cry of your baby that you hear after you’ve given birth, but you know and it’s a reality that you become a mother starting with the moment you learned about your pregnancy.

From the moment you learn about your baby forming inside you, you start becoming a mother and everything you live in and outside of yourself is matrescence. Physiologically, yes, you become a mother when your baby is born. But to become a mother there is a whole process that you go through, that rebuilds your every layer and re-arranges your life.

Matrescence is a developmental process.

Think about adolescence as an anchor to help you better understand how matrescence unfolds. Think of all the aspects in a child that transform in order to turn them into that young adult. It is not just physical right? Yes, the physical ones do make themselves seen, the acne, the smells, the change in appearance. But, there are also emotional changes, psychological changes, identity shifts that happen within than child. The way they see themselves and the way others see them change fundamentally.

Similarly to adolescence, the changes that transform you into a mother impact all areas of your life. Unsimilarly to adolescence, matrescence is not supported, nor acknowledged. It goes by unnoticed, kept quiet, taken for granted.

When you become a mother, it’s not just your body that’s changing and shifting, looking and feeling differently, but you also experience these changes in many other areas too. In all areas of your life. Psychologically, you deal with the very real and very stark challenge of literally developing a new identity.

YOU STOP BEING THE SAME YOU. You stop doing the same things, living the same way, valuing the same things.

Socially and culturally, you take on a new and foreign role, the role of mother. You enter a different social group and that comes with a whole new set of rules and expectations.

Spiritually, the way you look at life and its meaning, the way you look at yourself and your meaning change. You develop new values, you feel part of or dedicated to something bigger that you.

Possible changes you might experience include a shift in your relationships or an ending altogether to prior relationships, a shift in the way you see yourself and others, developing new values and rearranging priorities, shifting careers, finding a new appreciation for your body or the opposite, struggling to adapt to your new body.

Your personal history up to the point you become a mother, your specific context, everything that happens or does not happen when you become a mother and while you adjust to being one, impact how you experience matrescence.

No experience of a mother is the same as another’s.

At the same time, the immense transformation and impact matrescence has are universal. All mothers go through matrescence and they all need support.

You’re not broken my amazing and dear mama if you didn’t find it blissfull and you’re not broken if you struggle with it and have postnatal depression.

You’re not broken because you're in the throes of matrescence and you find it challenging. It is real, it is normal for it to happen and it is normal to find it hard, to find that you need support, that you need space to think about and talk about your experience as a mother.

Your experience and your story are important! With everything. With the overflowing love, with the anger, with looking in the mirror and not recognizing yourself, with the overwhelming mental load, the need for time alone, the sense of purpose and the sense of loss of your previous life. It is all welcomed, it is all worthy, it is yours and I see it and I honor it.

Matrescence is a natural, incredible transformation that requires a deconstruction and a reconstruction of yourself, your life, your identity and your values.

Matrescence centers you, mama. It sees you, talks about you and puts you in the center, not backstage. When we hear about a baby coming into the world, all the focus, all the worry is on the child, on how they will grow, how they will receive what they need. And of course it is important. But nobody looks at the mother, nobody sees the mother as going through her own massive changes, her own challenges, nobody seems to take into account that you, mama, need support too.

Your story is important, your story is essential!

Your transformation deserves to be honoured. It carries with it all your strenghts and gifts, it writes your story. The way you face these challenges, the way you’re supported in this transition and in this new stage of your life, they all impact your mothering. The ripples it creates in the world around you are massive, transcending space and time.

It is not on you to fix a society that needs to learn how to support mothers and honour their transformation. It is on you and for you to explore your fascinating inner world and to make sense of your experience. To carry your mothering proudly into the world.

Matrescence can be a source of immense growth, of expansion. It brings with it a new start and a new you, which is scary and also filled with so many possibilities.

Matrescence can also be a source of belittling, of making you feel like you’re not enough, because though you are incredibly powerful as you go through this, you’re also vulnerable and open to the messages around you, to the support you receive or don't receive during this massive transition.

If you’re asking: how long does it last? I will tell you this:

Matrescence and your constant transformation as a mother is, I believe, a life-long process.

Because with every change, you’re asked to re-evaluate your mothering, your role as a mother, your values and your priorities. You keep shedding and growing new layers, you deconstruct and put back together, you close stages and start anew.

Your child starts walking. Your child starts school. You have another child. You start work. You change homes, cities. You lose loved ones. A new you. Always a new you, that keeps building on top or around the others who served her well. You keep becoming.

✨

holding space for you, mama,

Simona